….there. I’ve said it. Now that you know this, I feel you should also know that I don’t eat a lot. I’ll make a plate and eat about half of it and I’m done…I simply cannot hold much food in my stomach. Buddha’s wife always tells him of the starving children all over the world and how they are going without food and I should eat everything on my plate. …..I never understood this shit.

Tonight, Buddha’s wife thought it would be big fun to sign Budda up to a ‘starving kid’s’ email list so I can get reminders about how bad other people have it. I should like to share with you the first in what will be, hopefully, a series of ongoing letters:

From: Little Indira Gandhi
Date: 11/10/2011 7:14:45 PM
To: genghisjohn2009@gmail.com
Subject: waste in the world
Dear Mr. Ballinger

My name is Indira. On behalf of the starving children of the world, we’d appreciate if you ate all your food. You say send it to us. Well, we don’t want it after you picked and slobbered all over it. By the time you get around to sending it, the food will be inedible.

Your immediate attention is appreciated. Do it for we children!
Sincerely
Little Indira
***********************************
From: genghisjohn2009@gmail.com
Date: 11/10/2011 7:20:53 PM
To: Little Indira Gandhi
Subject: Re: waste in the world

Dear GoobaGabba,

The problem here, my dear filthy savage, is that it doesn’t matter if I eat everything on my plate or throw it on the ground and piss on it because either way, you will not get it. You see how that works out princess? Secondly, the reason you are starving in that shit hole of whatever DurkaDurka ‘country’ you come from is because your parents are ignorant.
Allow me to explain: You see, if two mongrels get together, thats great and fine. If they can’t feed themselves it is no big loss. Though your parents, being the geniuses they are, had the following conversation:

BingBong: You know what I am thinking my wife thankyouverymuch?
BangBak: That if we do not get food we will surely starve to death my husband?
BingBong: I am thinking we should bring children into this equation thankyouverymuch.
BangBak: …….and then we eat the children my husband?

You see Gooba, it’s all very simple. Your parents were morons who couldn’t piece together the very complex equation that starving people shouldn’t breed. This is why you are going to go to bed hungry tonight….again….and tomorrow too, where I will make a very elaborate meal, eat only what I feel like eating, and throw the rest to the dogs.

My advice to you, my filthy heathen, is that you should kill your parents, eat them and then get yourself fixed so that you don’t bring yet MORE mutant offspring into your whole “oh, me so hongry” world.

Yours in Christ,

John

Awesomeness…ensued.

Ingredients
4 cups all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons baking powder
2 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup shortening
1-1/3 cups milk

Directions

Preheat your oven to 450.

Mix all the dry ingredients in a large bowl add the shortening and mix with your hands. Add the milk and keep mixing until it resembles dough of some sort. Spread some flour on the counter or table, slap the dough ball on to it and roll it out, cut into shape. Grease a pan and put the biscuits on it. Shove those bastards in the oven and in 8-10 minutes, BAM!

Buddha Biscuits

Buddha Biscuits 2

Buddha Biscuits with Gravy

Big Joe(10/12/2011 12:47:55 AM) : no, but thank you for asking

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:48:52 AM) : but, did you not read the part where it would please me?

Big Joe(10/12/2011 12:49:40 AM) : thats one of those things in life that just dont matter

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:49:47 AM) : fine joe FINE

Big Joe(10/12/2011 12:49:52 AM) : LOl

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:50:05 AM) : how about we walk hand in hand together into a maternity ward Darling

Joe…and go rape crazy? Just the two of us?

Big Joe(10/12/2011 12:50:38 AM) : no i will pass, heres a blow up doll he can go with u instead

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:50:50 AM) : oh come on Joe, it’ll be like the old days!

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:52:07 AM) : it’s cuz I’m black isn’t it Joe.

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:52:13 AM) : you fuckin racist.

Big Joe(10/12/2011 12:52:53 AM) : how the fuck am i racist?

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:53:25 AM) : You won’t have a romantic evening of baby raping with me, just because I’m black.

Big Joe(10/12/2011 12:55:21 AM) : its not cause ur black its cause its fucking wrong

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:55:31 AM) : wtf?

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:55:34 AM) : being black is ‘wrong’?

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 12:56:02 AM) : I thought you were one of the cool whites, wtf man, why would you even say that shit?

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 1:00:46 AM) : Joe, if we’re going to stay together, we’re going to have to learn to talk things out…

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 1:05:04 AM) : what are you wearing?

genghisjohn@ymail.com(10/12/2011 1:06:31 AM) : I still love you

Fagnus

It looks like he’s trying to do the Capt. Morgan pose…my advice is, if you can’t lift your fuckin ham hock leg more than an inch off the ground, don’t do that fuckin pose, it’s embarrassing.
This lonely stinky hindu trash wants to find love So Buddha is going to try to help his fat ass. Joy!

Here’s his profile:

http://includes.okcimg.com/profile/dagnus

But in case he takes it down, allow me to post his shit so we all can pitch in and get his tiny dark dong some action…mmmmkay?

My self-summary
im 20, love to have fun and chill around. im currently an intern at a engineering firm in downtown, meaning im pretty busy, but i like to have as much fun as i can on the weekends. i go to school, full time when school is in session and yeah thats about it. im looking for someone to have a good time with, someone willing to think outside of the box when it comes to activities. i love laser tagging, paintballing, hiking, relaxing in the pool, walking around, and i Love driving.
i hate indecisiveness. if you wanna hang, be able to say what you wanna do.

I am fun-loving, interesting, and enjoyable

Well, like all injuns that seems a bit direct and bossy and arrogant, let’s fix it up shall we?
******************************************************************************
Fagnus’ NEW self-summary:
I’m 20, but I’m shy and lonely. I know that people see me and know that I will most likely speak with an accent so thick, that they will try to hang up a phone on me to shut me up . I am an intern, which means I do bitch work, like the bitch that I am, which only adds to my crushing loneliness. I’m a student, so that means I’m broke and you’ll have to pay for everything. I try to have as much fun on the weekends as I can, usually nerd-raging on WoW or runescape. I’m looking for someone who is willing to let me stick my horribly stinky and possibly misshapen cock into her, someone willing to let me feel normal for once in my life. I will tell you that I love laser tagging, paintballing, hiking, relaxing in the pool, walking around….but that’s all false. You see, the aforementioned activities are physical in nature, and as you can see from my photo, that I am a pudgy portly fuck. who is about to bust out of his ill-fitting coat that was most likely picked up at the Salvation Army. Notice how I didn’t bother to tuck my shirt in? That means I think I’m cool enough to wear a shirt and jacket, but too cool to tuck it in. Bitches love it when you don’t tuck it in.
There, isn’t that MUCH better? You have to put yourself out there, open up. Bitches love opening up. Moving on…

What I’m doing with my life
working and going to school to become a civil engineer.
No one gives a fuck. Seriously.

I’m really good at
im good at music. i love to play the drums and i can mash out a bit on guitar. the bass is pretty easy for me, and i enjoy listening to all sorts of music, but country is gruesome after a while.
….Ok…playing MCR while crying on your bed at your mother’s house is not being ‘good at music’. The only thing you can mash out is your unwanted semen. Stop lying. Bitches hate lying.

The first things people usually notice about me
my eyes and my smile? lol no idea..
no. People notice a that you look like you should be telemarking and providing shitty customer support and bobbing your head from side to side “thank you veddy much”.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
lord of the rings series, dan brown novels, reggae/punk music (ska), pink floyd, Lebanese food (most mideastern/Mediterranean foods)
Lord of the Rings….noooooooooooooooo. You must be the first fat nerd ever to like that! Dan brown writes books. Horrible, horrible books, not novels. I don’t know why you say “mostly mideastern/med foods”…you’re fat, you’ll eat any foods. And thats ok, bitches like guys who can eat….eh?…eh? See the witty double entendre there?

I spend a lot of time thinking about
what i really wanna do in life
…and that would be what? Bitches already know that you spend the majority of your time thinking about what a woman’s tits feel like…how long you’ll last your first time in…they just want you to be honest…Bitches love honesty.

On a typical Friday night I am
out drinking/in playing games on the wii
or just relaxing and catching up with a book or tv shows from the week
or out watching a movie/s
…this looks weird on a guy’s profile. See the difference is indian guys are notoriously effeminate. Bitches want to be manhandled. But keep it honest…you know going out and having a couple appletinis and getting giggly with your other virgin friends can’t be called ‘going out drinking’. Thats a lie…so don’t put it. The rest of this is just too sad to correct…Bitches hate sadness…

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
i found out one day that i have a piercing somewhere interesting. there is a story behind it.
….seriously? You just ‘found out’ one day that you have a piece of metal goin through your goddamn body? Injun please…you’ve explored yourself so often that you should have your own holiday….Don’t try to have some “I was with my friends, got drunk, passed out…woke up with _____” story. Bitches hate “I was with my friends, got drunk, passed out…woke up with _____” stories.

I’m looking for
Girls who like guys (all bitches like guys, they just say they’re lesbians to shoo you away.)
Ages 18-23 (look at your own picture…you can’t be picky.)
Near me (way to remind them that you’re broke.)
Who are single (it doesn’t matter if they were married…you’d still try to fuck em.)
For new friends, short-term dating, activity partners (fuck buddies. don’t lie.)
You should message me if
you live near me and like to have fun and/or just hang around and kick back… also if you like makin sexy time :p jkjkjk lolol
Again with the “if you live near me”, dude, if someone is going to be kind enough to give you some pity pussy, they aren’t going to say “eh, what the hell, I’ll drive over to him too” This is where the whole arrogant injun thing comes into play. Just because your dad slapped around your mother (who rightly deserved it) like the whore she is, doesn’t mean ALL women are like that.

Really the only thing you were honest with was the “makin sexy time” …but you pussied out and reverted to a 12 year old girl texting….”:P jkjkjkjkjk lol” If any bitch was going to give you some sort of sex, no matter how sorry she felt for you, that ending “jkjkjkjk” would fuck it up. She wouldn’t want to come over there if she thinks Chris Hanson is going to show up.

I hope you do get laid one day. I hope that happens for you. But after that, I hope you die.

Yours in Christ,

Buddha.

It’s not going as swimmingly as it should…in fact, it’s not doing anything at all…my caseworker is a mouth breather….

We would go into his office and sit through 2 hours of his mindnumbing ramblings that start with “muh daddy always said….”  or “…when I was growing up….”

So we thought we would be smart and simply not waste the gas we don’t have and use email…..HOLY SHIT HE’S DOING SCIENCE!

…..stupid mistake…..reading confuses this fuck stick…….

Today the wife got an email from him, a quite an unprofessional email imo so I thought buddha should sit down and just open up….:)

Below is the email I sent him:

Mr. Spragins:

I’m not entirely certain what the miscommunication issues have been in the past, but I feel it is best to email me from now on instead of contacting Grace. Mmmkay?

So, without further ado, let’s address every issue, one by one, in an attempt to clear things up and set things back on track:

Firstly, things concerning my transcript, after going through the emails that have been passed back and forth, there seems to be a reoccurring theme about them:

“I don’t know how long it will take to procure John’s transcript from UCA.  You need to ask the Registrar’s Office at UCA.  They will be sending the transcript.”

And

“They are a few things that need to be cleared up if he wants to go back to school.  (getting transcripts from ATU & UCA sent to UALR”

I have several emails between myself and UCA stating that they will send my transcript, to me or to UALR once payment has been received.  I am seeing at least 2 emails where this information has been relayed to you and when we last spoke face to face, I told you of this and asked you when Arkansas Rehabilitation will be able to aid me in this, to which you stated that we needed a plan. 

“…until we develop a rehab plan for each of you, I can’t spend money.”

The plan.  This, I feel, is the very crux of everything on your end.  This mysterious and completely elusive plan is the bane of our communication and what is keeping your proverbial hands tied.  Let us set aside now every previous notion and communicate what our plan is.  The plan for me is to get into UALR and become an ASL interpreter.  To do this, you have communicated to me that I need to do 2 things.  Firstly, the aforementioned and addressed transcript.  Secondly is the expungement.  The expungement is not preventing me from receiving FAFSA, will not prevent me from enrolling into UALR will not prevent me from attending classes and lastly, will not prevent me from graduating.  The only perceivable thing that my expungement will aid in, would be the trouble in gaining a job after graduation. 

The expungement has been filled out and sent off and I have been told, as I have told you previously, that it will ‘take some time’.  It is for these reasons that I am not up-in-arms about their delay.  I do not see the issue about the expungment because it was not an issue for you until I asked the question, “will not having my felony expunged impede on any of this?” 

“This afternoon, I called at 2:15 and was told by the person answering the phone that the two of you had driven into town to run some errands ???????????”

I’m not entirely sure why this comes as such a shock and surprise but since the nature of the last email, particularly where this question is concerned leastwise, is less than professional, I shall extend to you the same curtsy in answering this quandary:

We live at:

10154 Logwood RD

Dardanelle, AR

72834

The nearest store is located in Centerville, which is 2.8 miles away, round trip.  The magic number is 2.8.  mmmmkay?

From our location to your office is, 33.34 miles, round trip.  The magic number on this one is 33.34 mmmkay?

Now, by using a very secretive and unknown and never before studied form of calculus and geography and witchcraft, I came up with this satanic equation that only the most advance theoretical physicists can understand:

2.8 < 33.34 

I’ll give you a moment to let that soak in spanky….

I will now attempt to decifer this devil speak into english…mmkay?  Hold on to your hat…

2.8 miles is LESS than 33.34 miles.

I assume by now that, like most mortals who are unable to speak in the Devil’s Tongue (aka maths) are crying uncontrollably right now, trying to figure out if the rapture is upon us or not….I assure you Jimmykins, that it is not. 

I am about to use another bit of science and deviltry called ‘deduction’….you should take this moment to go get a sick bag of sorts, just in case you are overwhelmed and faint.

…….welcome back.  Let’s begin.

You see, the ‘store’ is where people keep this new invention called ‘food’.  Due to Grace and my illness, we are unable to acquire nutrients via photosynthesis, as the of the world does.  So we sometimes have to go to this mysterious ‘store’ and purchase these ‘foods’.  I know, I know, it’s all very difficult to understand and it seems I just pulled this out of some Star Trek movie…but I assure you, its truth.  If you like, I can bring proof of these ‘foods’ the very next time I see you and ‘eat it’  (that is to say put it into my mouth, chew it and swallow it to gain it’s nutritional value once it enters my small intestines) J

Now that that issue is cleared up Jimmypie, I should like to explain why we assumed it was OK for us to go acquire these ‘foods’ mmmmkay champ?

You see, we were labouring under the very obvious misguided and demented delusion that we were allowed to do that.  We had no idea that our going 1.4 miles down the road and back would upset and confuse you so.  It was not our intention to bring you to the brink of a stroke, so for that, I apologize.  I have to point out, though that, Grace has told you several times that we have no job.  That is to say we do not have a job.  We no worky.  That means we have no money.  So, we are forced to scrimp and eek out a way to go to the store whenever we are able to.  In your next email, if you would be so kind, send me a list of dates we are allowed to go out and get food, as to cause you the least amount of duress and confusion. Sound like a plan chief?

Just a side note while I’m thinking of it.  The ‘lady’ that answered the phone was called Jolene.  She is retarded.  I don’t mean to use the word ‘retarded’ as the cool and hip kids use it now, “that’s retarded, this is retarded, etc…” I mean to say that she is mentally deficient, she is an imbecile.  She tried to abort her son by smoking him out with meth.  She is an autistic, toothless midget who should not be listened to.  Mmmkay sport?  Email me from now on and I’ll break everything down for you.

“I don’t understand your recent communications.”

I speak several languages.  Let me know which language suits you and I will be happy to accommodate.  English, German, French, Spanish, Italian, Manderin….whatever pleases you and is easiest to understand. 

In closing and summation, I should like to say that, if getting me into UALR is beyond your means or scope then simply have someone call Tyson foods in Dardanelle, get me hired on using the ol’ “he’s hearing impaired, you’ll get tax breaks” method and I will do it myself.  I am not above being a beast of burden and will do whatever it takes to get out of living in this potentially dangerous and violent house.

Kindest Personal Regards,

John.

Every time I was jerking off, I was thinking how horrible….how embarassing….how terrible it would be if someone were to walk in….I would want to saw my own head off….

I’d like to share with you a group of people who were caught in that very act!   The pictures tell their own story.

And they all lived happily ever after.

BlackDude: You should squeeze your wife’s tits…

Buddha: oh I do…I squeeze em til the cops taze me…

Buddha: fuckin…just fuckin act like I got a time machine, went back in time to when I was born, knocked out the delivery doctor, delivered myself and tried to squeeze my brains through the soft spot…

BlackDude: I used to push the soft spot on babies until their mothers realized what I was doing…

BlackDude: But not too hard, just gently flirting with the idea of pushing that shit all the way.

I laughed until I pissed myself…..

Buddha is being coy

My Lovely Buddha Lumps

So, I’ve spent the better part of the week curled up in the fetal position, running back and forth to the toilet, being afraid to fart and doing shots of pepto-bismol in between.

Gums got a new haircut today.

….

It’s hideous.  I know…I know…it’s her hair, but goddamn it, I have to look at it.  Gizmo cut it with all the skills of a drunken monkey with a weed-eater.  It seriously looks as if the bitch’s hair was on fire and she was trying to put it out by rubbing her head with barbed wire….she has, what I can only refer to for lack of better description, reverse sideburns.

On a guy, we can opt to have sideburns….even women can have these, the little bit of hair that comes down just in front of the ear…now imagine cutting it off even with the hair line….now imagine crying and saying “fuck it…FUCK IT! FUCK IT!” and keep cutting for about an inch and a half or two inches….that’s what this insane toothless bitch has done.  God I wish I had pictures…

The midgets have been spending the bulk of their time (when they’re not moving junk from one end of the yard to another…which is what they spend most of their time doing) digging through a yard that Fred Sanford would say “WHAT THE FUCK?” and trying to find crap that they can sell in a yard sale.

They’ve got a lot of crap piled outside …a tape deck from the early 80s, monkey wood fruit bows and table ‘art’ from the 70s, part of a zip drive….and bags and bags and bags of mystery crap…at most they’ll get about 5 bux I’d wager…